I have realized that the primary cause of suffering is that we accumulate unresolved issues, rejected feelings, problems that we never overcame, misunderstandings with others, or pain from relationships that didn’t work out. We carry all of that with us. Most people don’t know how to let go, release or forgive; but these concepts allow us to live more freely and happily.
If you are able to observe, mindfully, every one of your feelings when they appear, accepting them, by mindful observation, you will be in touch with what you feel. Just breathe and feel what you feel. You are not your fear, sadness, or despair. But the feeling takes you over and makes you feel one with it. But understand that its message has to be loud, or you won’t pay attention. When fear, anger, or anxiety appear, don’t fight them. Instead, say, hello fear! Or hello, anger! Why are you here?
If what we feel is unpleasant, we tend to reject the feeling. We want it to disappear; the sooner the better. We don’t take the time to feel it and be with it. If it lasts, we practice evasion. We run away from it, distracting ourselves with food, alcohol, watching TV, shopping, or getting busy in any other way. But the feeling won’t go away because it has not been felt. We just put it in a closet in our heart and try to forget that it is there, in stock.
But you can transform any feeling into something else. Get the message of the emotion, be with it, and take it to the next level. For example, when someone is mean to you, and you get angry because of it, you have two problems: the anger you received and the anger you feel now as a result. What if you take that anger and transform it into understanding about the person or situation?
Consider that maybe this person is full of anger that they don’t know how to release. What happened wasn’t personal. You just happened to be with that person when the anger hidden in the closet of their heart became too great and had to be released. Or maybe the person is in pain, sick, or very afraid, and they don’t know what to do with their feelings. Would you be more understanding if you knew the situation in their life that is causing the pain that created that state of anger? This way, you can transform anger into understanding.
Forgiveness is an unknown concept. Most people have the idea that in order to forgive you need to forget that certain events happened, accept the pain, and tell the person who hurt you ‘I forgive you’ because I am a good person and I shouldn’t hate you anymore. But this is not the forgiveness I am talking about. To forgive someone or something is to set yourself free from it. Since the moment you forgive yourself or others, you disconnect energetically from the event or situation. You have released it. It is that simple.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. It is only about you. It is not about forgiving an event or suffering created by another person. The event is just an experience. You survived it, and now it is part of your story. It only matters in the present moment if you decide that it does. When you forgive, you don’t forget or condone. You choose to live freely in the present moment where you can create the life you desire, not in the past, where those events happened.
Letting go of something that has been part of your identity for a long time can be scary. If I have been a victim because something terrible happened to me and I have lived in anger, pain, or sadness for years, I may not know who I will be without that anger or despair. Maybe you are thinking, “How can I be happy when this happened to me?” You can, because you choose to.
The most devastating situation, the loss of a loved one, an illness, abuse, betrayal, poverty… is just that, a situation that created certain feelings. And they can be transformed. You can heal yourself from all of it. Let them go. Only you can do it. Are you ready? If you want to work privately with me on releasing and forgiving, send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
"In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past,
but you will find yourself"
Think of all the times you judge yourself, criticize yourself and blame yourself for all that is not working in your life, that you did wrong or that you didn’t do. Many times… it seems that we believe that the way we improve ourselves is by beating ourselves up. Going against ourselves without compassion. Acting like a controlling parent who pays more attention to the mistakes than to the successes.
We all have flaws, weaknesses and lacks. We’ve all made mistakes, errors, and nobody is not perfect. You need to assume that it is not necessary for you to do everything wonderfully and perfectly. Give yourself permission to be human. Take a deep breath and relax, don’t be tense all the time trying to avoid making a mistake. Focus more on what you have done well, value your strengths, pay attention to your achievements, even the small ones, and see your uniqueness.
The only thing you can do is to offer your best to the world, and when you don’t arrive to your standards of perfection, remember that you are human, that you will have more opportunities, that you will do it better next time. See every experience in life and any occasion, as opportunities to learn. Don’t consider anything as a failure or mistake.
You can forgive anything. You can forgive those who wrong you, betray you, disrespect you, or even abuse you. Once you understand that forgiving them doesn’t deny that the facts happened, and that you don’t condone the actions, that is only about letting events remain in the past, totally. Once you have forgiven, whatever happened belongs to the past and you live now in the present, where the events do not affect you at all.
You can overcome, by decision, what happened to you. You can free yourself of the suffering of remembering the events and reviving the emotions associated with them. It is a release to do that. You feel lighter and stronger, when you are not a victim of a past experience anymore. But let me ask you, can you forgive yourself? You, the one that in your mind is causing all the misery in your life, the guilty one, the person that made a so called `big mistake´ or failed.
The answer is: yes, you can, if you want to. You will do it because you Love yourself and you treat yourself with Love. You forgive yourself because you owe yourself some compassion and kindness, because you have a mindset where the present and the future you build every moment are more important than whatever experience you faced in the past, because you want to move on, because you are able to accept yourself as you are, with weaknesses and strengths, all of you. You forgive yourself because you want to.
The power of forgiveness is immense. You can transform your life if you just make a list of experiences you feel ready to forgive, to let go, to release and you do it. You don’t need anything else except your commitment to let it go from your system once and for all. Love will do the work. Unconditional Love for yourself is what changes your life and all it includes. Don’t carry unnecessary weight around. Release the past hurts, wounds, grudges, anger, resentment, and set yourself free. Then, open your heart and Love fully again.
"Forgive yourself. The supreme act of forgiveness is when you can
forgive yourself for all the wounds you’ve created in your own life.
Forgiveness is an act of self-love. When you forgive yourself,
self-acceptance begins and self-love grows"
Miguel Ángel Ruiz Macías
We have had lots of life experiences that we have not wanted to accept. Loses, so called `mistakes’, break ups, unforgivable events, abuse, arguments, disagreements, pain, and so much more. But they happened, they were real, and we cannot change them, but we can, at least, accept them. Acceptance will allow you to look to the future with more freedom. Stop looking only through the rear mirror, and look at the wonderful view in front of you, while you drive through the journey of your life.
There are people that think that to accept means to be weak, or that they cannot forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it. But in order to live your life in the present, this life that is real and happening for you at this exact moment, you must be here and now. You cannot be present if you only live in the past, in past experiences, in past feelings, in past grudges, in past resentment.
To let go, to release, or to forgive, are learnable skills. They are necessary for your survival. If you carry all these weight from the past, you will move slowly, with difficulties, and your life-journey will be much more unpleasant than if you walk through life weightless and free to enjoy every moment of it.
You need to accept the life you have in order to be able to create the life you want. What this means is that you can only create new circumstances, change, thrive, and become who you want to be, when you accept what is happening in your life now.
Doing it doesn’t have to generate guilt. You don’t have to blame yourself, to feel guilty. You don’t need to have a poor opinion of your choices, or to be a victim of the circumstances, or of your past. You only need to accept who you are, in a loving and compassionate way, offering yourself the understanding and kindness you would show a loved one.
Start planting the seeds of your new life and wonderful future. Nothing stops you from creating a life that contains what you want and deserve. Only you can sabotage your efforts, life is on your side. If you want something, you must become what you want. No Love can enter a closed heart. No abundance can arrive to those who feel they don’t deserve it. No health can be restored if we don’t pay attention to the needs of our body. Change starts with awareness and understanding and it happens with acceptance.
Live with acceptance and not for acceptance. We are subject to the opinions and expectations of those around us. We live our lives fulfilling roles. We want to be the best employees, managers, parents, children, partners, friends, or neighbors. We sometimes achieve our goal at a cost. We have internal expectations of what all of those roles imply, and in order to be that person that we want to be, to fulfill that role perfectly, to demonstrate our Love to others and to be accepted by them, we stop loving ourselves in the process.
What we need to have a happier life is self-acceptance, not the acceptance of others. They are not walking through life wearing our shoes. No matter how much they know us, they cannot live our lives for us. You can create a new life: a life of pleasure, of abundance, of happiness and fun. We live our life overworked, in busyness, and without time to reflect, take care of ourselves, or make the best decisions. Nowadays all happens fast, and we may feel stressed and tired. Just pause, appreciate your life, and take some time to accept.
"When you invoke the agent of change called acceptance, you must accept all that you are,
all that you've been, and all that you will be in the future"
Have you ever asked yourself what do I need to do change my Love life, to have happier and healthier relationships with others? Let me share with you that there is something very important you can do. It is to let go, to release and to forgive. You need to make room for the new to enter into your life, and this is a perfect moment to let go of the old. Let go of the pain, the betrayal, the grievance, the rejection, the abandonment, the loneliness, the sadness, the expectations, the resentment, the anger, the abuse, the arguments, the self-sacrifice, the pleasing others... Choose the words from the list that you can relate with, or make your own list.
We forget, but we don't release or forgive. But let me explain you that everything that you have ever experienced is recorded. You may not be aware, but most of your reactions in life are based in beliefs, ideas or patterns that are not conscious, they were created at one moment in time during your childhood, in the way you were raised, or how you felt at school or with friends, the relationships that you stablished throughout your life, even your relationships at work contributed. All those experiences made you, but they are not who you are. Inside of yourself there is a beautiful being, one that shines with his own light and that is full of Love and ready to share it.
All the experiences that you had around giving and receiving Love may have helped you to believe that Love and relationships are complicated. All the pain you suffered in so many different ways provoked the fear to showing who you really are, to being vulnerable and open to Love and to be loved fully. But there is a different way of Loving. There is a way to get a fresh start and it is to let go of all these experiences. You don't forget, delete or deny them, you just take their power away to continue ruling the way you establish or live your relationships. Remember the good moments, the Love that you felt in so many occasions when you authentically loved and felt loved. Then release, consciously, the pain and other emotions that are sabotaging your present and future relationships.
From now on dedicate some minutes to ask yourself if anything needs to be changed or released. Don't look at others as the source of your pain, look at yourself like the source of every one of your experiences. Know that you have power to transform your Love life, right now. Make yourself ready to let go of the past, forgive those who you think that hurt you, not because of they deserve it, just do it for you. Make yourself free from the past to be able to create a new future. You only need your commitment to decide to release a feeling, to stop holding on a situation, or to forgive yourself. You only need to Love yourself enough to do it. Make your happiness a priority.
Give yourself the opportunity to attract different partners, lovers, friends and colleagues. The kind of people who value you and respect you, who Love you for who you are. You can do it by start recognizing your own value, appreciating it, and learning how to respect yourself. Once you Love yourself no matter what, the people that will be in your life will Love you either. Prepare the way for a new kind of Love by letting go everything that is not serving you, that it is not true, that it is stopping you. Open yourself and your heart to Love. Love is not dangerous, when it is true Love.
"Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past
grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the
abundantly beautiful present... today"
You deserve to enjoy a happy relationship. We all want to experience that magic Love that brings so much happiness, to fall in Love deeply and madly. I am sure you want to share your life with a partner that is there for you, that supports you no matter what, and that helps you to be a better person every day because of the Love you share. But we don't seem to be able to find or to create this happy and healthy Love. What we call Love creates so much suffering and drama, so many power struggles, when what we expect from it is joy and happiness.
Sharing your life with a partner with whom you are connected at a soul level can enrich your life beyond measure, but relationships are never perfect. Relationships are the way we learn how to Love and be loved. Our conscious and unconscious patterns are at play when we interact with our loved ones, and especially when we establish a new relationship. It is important to take a look at our dynamics in relationships and to identify our beliefs and patterns. They are the key. They will keep repeating in relationship after relationship until we heal them. The universe will keep granting us opportunities to learn our lessons until we do.
The secret of success for your relationships is not to find the "right partner"; it is to be the right partner. When you know yourself and invest time and effort in loving yourself unconditionally, your relationships improve unbelievably. If you want to establish a healthy relationship, it has to start with the relationship that you have with yourself. Don't look at others as the guilty ones. Don't project onto others what it is within you. Take responsibility in your relationships. Make them work. Love always finds a way, if it is true Love.
If have suffered for Love, don't give up on Love. True Love doesn't hurt, but relationships may not work. Never forget that you are a complete individual full of Love to share. If you have not found the right partner yet, there can be certain reasons why and one of the most common is that, without you being aware of it, you are not allowing it to happen. What can be holding you back may be a fear of commitment, of suffering again, of being abandoned, the sensation that you are not good enough, or the belief that Love is too complicated... but it is always a story from your past, that is spoiling your present and your future.
If you want to be in a happy and healthy relationship, you need to let go, release, forgive, and heal whatever is not allowing you to Love freely and unconditionally. Give yourself the opportunity to create a different Love story. Stop living again and again the same events with different partners, fighting for the same issues, and being in relationships where what you get is not Love. Love yourself enough to let go of a relationship if someone mistreats you, does not value you, or does not allow you to be yourself. You deserve a partner that encourages you to go after your dreams, and that allows you to be who you are. You deserve the opportunity to do the same for your partner. Learn how to Love yourself and others. It will be the best investment of your life and it will bring you so much joy. Love is who you are.
"The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies,
but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together"
Barbara de Angelis
Judith Costa is a Life and Love Coach, Seminar Leader, Writer and Speaker. She has a Masters degree in Psychology & Psychotherapy and an MBA. She helps her clients to overcome their blocks to Love, to Love themselves and to manifest the relationship they want.